In the Torah commentary, Tosefet Bracha, Rabbi Baruch Halevi Epstein relates an interesting incident. Rabbi Epstein had just spent Shabbos with his uncle, Rabbi Naftali Tzvi Yehudah Berlin, the great head of the Yeshiva in Volozhin, who is known as the Netziv. Saturday night came, and a group of rabbis were sitting in the Netziv's kitchen drinking hot tea. Suddenly, a man came in with a question. The man said, "More than twelve years ago, my business partner and I got into a terrible argument. In the midst of the fight, I swore that I would never look at him again. And I fulfilled my oath for many years: I left the Shul where we both davened, I stopped attending meetings, and I turned down invitation to weddings, brises and dinners to which I knew that he had been invited. Today this sworn enemy of mine died. Suddenly, I am racked with guilt over how I treated him. Before he is buried, I want to look him in the face and ask for his forgiveness." The man needed to know if he was permitted to look the deceased in the face, or if doing so would it be a violation of his oath never to look at him again?
The Netziv turned to the sages seated around his kitchen table and asked their opinion. Each took a turn answering, and each emphasized the fact that when the man vowed never to see his business partner again he meant while he was living; he never even fathomed looking at him when he was dead! It therefore seemed permissible to see his partner before the burial. When Rabbi Epstein's turn to respond came, he expressed his surprise at all of the discussion that had taken place. He argued that a clear proof is found in the Torah portion they had read that very Shabbat, and that we read this week: Parashat Beshalach. In this parashah, the Egyptians are quickly advancing toward the Jews, who are trapped at the shore of the Red Sea. Moshe assures them of their safety by saying, "Ki Asher Re'etem Et Mitzrayim Hayom Lo Tosefu Lirotam Od Ad Olam - the Egyptians whom you see today you will never see again" (Shemot 14:13). But, later in the parashah, after the Red Sea washes over the Egyptians and kills them, the Torah says, "Vayar Yisrael Et Mitzrayim Mait Al Sefat Hayam - Israel saw the Egyptians dead on the shore of the sea" (Shemot 14:30). According to the Midrash each Jew actually recognized the Egyptian who had oppressed him. So it is clear that the Jews literally saw their faces. Rabbi Epstein asked, "How could the Jews see the faces of the Egyptians after Moshe promised them that they wouldn't?" He answers that seeing a person when he or she is dead is not the same as seeing them when they are alive. And so, the man who came to the Netziv's house could go and look in his former partner's face and ask forgiveness without breaking his oath never to "see" him again. The Netziv accepted his nephew's answer with great praise and permitted the man to do as he wished.
Rabbi Epstein's insight does more than answer this particular shyla and solve a specific problem in this week's parashah: it also contains an incredible wide-ranging message. For many different reasons, a lot of people have strained relationships with others. Sometimes the tension is with other family members, sometimes with friends and sometimes with co-workers or acquaintances. Things can get so bad that when people even stop talking to one another, often for unbelievably long periods of time. We can even see this happen in the Torah. When Yosef and his brothers are in the midst of their tense relationship, it says, "Velo Yakhlu Dabro Leshalom" (Bereshit 37:4). The commentators understand "Leshalom" to mean that the brothers could not speak to Yosef peacefully. But I would suggest that this verse means something even worse: the brothers couldn't even say "shalom - hello" to him. They stopped speaking to him altogether. Some relationships go on like this for years and years, and are never resolved. Eventually one of the people dies. More often than we might think, the one who is left suffers feelings of guilt, remorse or simply lack of closure. They go to the funeral or the grave hoping to make amends. But Rabbi Epstein teaches that seeing the deceased is not considered seeing them at all. Once the person is gone, it is not the same as when the person was alive.
Asking a person for forgiveness or righting a relationship that has gone wrong, is tricky business when they are no longer in this world. The person can not respond, there can be no dialogue, they can not look you in the face and let you know that all is forgiven. Rabbi Epstein's insight is a wake up call - heal your relationships now, before it is too late.
Good Shabbos!
Rabbi
Mordechai Friedfertig
Congregation B'nai Shalom
Williamsville,
New York
Email: mordechai at utj.org
Copyright 2001-2003 by Mordechai Friedfertig